Belonging Begins with You
We’re at a moment where diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) are no longer topics of the few but widely held expectations for people to thrive in all aspects of life. In a world where so many people still feel like outsiders, belonging is the next critical step in the evolution of DEI. Currently the majority of culture-building programs focus on teams or at organizational levels. They rarely dive deep into the individual identity piece so each of us can define how we want to be seen, heard, and valued on our own terms.
Though well-intentioned, many organizations get these programs wrong. For years, this is what I got wrong. You can’t build a culture of belonging for people; you have to build a culture of belonging with people. To do this, individuals need the space to get to know who they are and define how they want to be seen, heard, and valued on their own terms. Without this foundation, people will continue to wear masks in an attempt to fit in. The roll-over effect of that impacts our culture at home, at work, and in the world. When we mask ourselves, we hide parts of our identity that we need to thrive. And when that happens, we lack safe spaces for each of us to bring forth our authentic selves. The definition of a “safe space” is different for everyone, which makes the individual identity work critical in building a culture of belonging. This is because “culture” is not something people fit into but rather a sum of each of our individual parts.
Like many things that sound obvious, individual identity work is not easy. In a world full of labels, many of us allow our identity to be defined by other people. And the more labels we gather, the more difficult it becomes to untangle the story we tell ourselves about who we are and where we belong. Despite devoting much of my career to creating cultures of belonging and opportunity, this happened to me. I got so caught up in trying to fit in and adapting myself to different cultures that I didn’t take the time to truly be a part of those cultures because I wasn’t showing up as my authentic self.
You Belong Here—through an exploration of identity and culture—dives into the places this shows up in our lives. This book is for those of us who have walked into a room and felt like we didn’t belong, like we have to become “someone else” to feel accepted, and like we have lost ourselves in a world that forces us to hide who we are. It takes us through a journey of personal exploration that allows each of us to see, claim, edit, and own our identity so that we can stand firmly when we feel like an outsider and our values are pressure-tested. This critical inner work brings us back to our core, opening ourselves up to which aspects of our identity to leave and which to love. The learnings and frameworks detailed in this book will help us to root ourselves in our authentic identity and define how we want to be seen, heard, and valued on our own terms.
By doing this work, we are rooted in an identity we love, which sets the foundation to create safe spaces at home, at work, and in our community, allowing a culture of belonging to thrive. This book is an ideal companion for those of us who want to create safe spaces for our teams and organizations and understand the critical role belonging plays in building strong cultures within the communities we serve. The Belonging Journey and accompanying framework are designed to be used as a “step one” with stakeholders. It is an ideal resource for project kickoffs, team cohesion, and culture building as it provides everyone with a shared understanding of who is gathered and how they want to be seen, heard, and valued. The ability to name the parts of each person’s identity allows for a greater understanding of the systemic barriers to opportunity for everyone to thrive, while providing a shared language and consistent approach to belonging in workshops and convenings. As we grapple with how to create diverse, equitable, and inclusive cultures, this book provides the necessary foundation to create belonging.
Belonging within Our Four Identities
I would love it if once we found belonging within ourselves, our journey was done. But it’s not. Belonging is forever work—a lifelong practice that changes over time. Belonging to ourselves begins by defining and owning our identity, so we have a foundation to root us when we feel like an outsider. Although the systems we live in may deny us that right, understanding that we are all born equal is critical in the journey to belonging. Once we explore what the outsider experience feels like and how belonging is a shared human experience, we go on a Belonging Journey to discover ourselves through an exploration of our four identities that define who we are and how we show up in the world.
As we go on this Belonging Journey, we are going to ask a lot of questions and dig deep into understanding how to see, hear, and value ourselves. This allows us to become the authors of the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and where we belong. To begin, we must revisit our starting point as well as the culture we are born into. When we do this, we are able to fully see our Lived Identity. This entails exploring the aspects of our identity that we’ve inherited at birth such as our race, nationality, sexual-orientation, socioeconomic class, and gender as well as examining how these aspects of our identity affect the opportunities in front of us. We will dive into our origin story and question which parts of our Lived Identity we either embrace or hide depending on the room we walk into. The more we feel like an outsider, the more our Lived Identity is amplified. Although we cannot change our starting point, we can change our relationship with these aspects of our identity once they’ve been identified and we can see where we began.
Next, we will claim our Learned Identity. These are the aspects of our identity that we’ve chosen or claimed as we make our way through the world, including professions, job titles, family, relationships, and education. Here we will define our guiding principles. We will be challenged to think about which of these aspects serve us, which ones don’t, and which parts are forced on us by others and the implications this has on the opportunities before us. By claiming our Learned Identity, we can see which systems are set up for equitable access to opportunity and which ones have barriers.
Once we see our Lived Identity and claim our Learned Identity, we take a step back to edit our Lingering Identity. This is our default position that is rooted in old stories we tell ourselves about who we are and where we belong. Our Lingering Identity is hardwired into our brain and how we respond because of years of repeating these narratives. It shows up in situations where we feel like an outsider, and we fall back into those old habits as a survival mechanism. This happens to all of us. It happened to me. When the airport taxi driver triggered my Lingering Identity by asking where I was really from, I became defensive. I didn’t want to answer because I bought into the narrative that the Korean part of me was “less than.” When we define this Lingering Identity and understand the cues and triggers that make us feel like an outsider, we can sunset the stories that aren’t serving us and rewrite new ones that do.
When we go on this journey to understand our past experiences and how society has established systemic barriers to entry, we can design our own future—a future where we own our Loved Identity. Here we view ourselves through a lens of empowerment. We clarify our values. We discover what we are fighting for and who we want fighting beside us. When we fully leverage our Loved Identity and live with authenticity and purpose, we can be seen, heard, and valued in a way that gives us a sense of belonging in any situation. Instead of looking for a seat at someone else’s table, we have the tools to build a new one. By going on this Belonging Journey to see, clam, edit, and own our identities, we’re able to understand who we are at our core and how we want to show up in the world on our own terms.
The beauty of belonging to yourself is it goes beyond each of us as individuals. When we live with authenticity, we want that for others. Our eyes open to the journey that each of us is on. We see everyone as individuals. Complex. Beautiful. We become curious about their plight because we know what it feels like to be an outsider and experience the pain of exclusion. This realization allows us to see others through a more empathetic lens. We want to ensure the Loved Identity of others is honored in everyday situations. Belonging does not mean we need to be surrounded by others who are just like us. It’s about creating safe spaces where opposing viewpoints are seen and heard so we can challenge assumptions and ensure that authentic interactions take place. How do we show up in places where we feel like we don’t belong? How do we talk to others with differing perspectives and experiences? How do we set the stage for understanding?
You Belong Here.
This is an excerpt from You Belong Here. For more information about the book, or to get your copy today, visit our website: